What really inspired me to start this page was the weasel help essay by Jacque Marshall http://www.eskimo.com/~jacquem/words/weasel.html /* was http://www.eskimo.com/~jacquem/words/weaselhelp.html */ . I first saw it attached to the end of this message:
Date: Fri, 18 Oct 1996 06:20:07 -0700 (PDT) From: elana <elana at aracnet.com> To: PDX-B5 <pdx-b5 at aracnet.com> Subject: pdx-b5: non-B5, but HILARIOUS! :) :) :) Spread this one far and wide... let all the world know the gospel of the weasel. ;-) -E.
There was another copy at "Weasel Help" (defined) http://www.gdma.com/cgi-bin/lwgate/KK/archives/kk.9610/Subject/article-87.html
>Date: Thu, 19 Mar 1998 01:25:00 -0800 (PST) >From: Robert Freitas <rfreitas at calweb.com> >To: <d.cary at ieee.org> >Subject: Your Website and Recent Posting
> Gilead Sciences also has an experimental drug for flu, which has eliminated all flu symptoms in experiments on ferrets but is still a few years away from hitting the market.
>Robert A. Freitas Jr.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. -- unknown
( David Cary took this photo at Safari Sanctuary http://safariszoo.org/ on 2002-07-27 )
"Artist create something while critic only complain. Life of artist is hard, but more satisfying than life of critic."
...Subject: Origami Boulders. From: "Steve"
Dear sir: I find your web site and concept of art to be most compelling. I would love to order one of your boulders but unfortunately I own two cats. These cats are MOST evil!! When I first acquired these cats I was working in a warehouse picking orders and of course not making much money. The cats decided that they wanted a nicer place to live as well as more and nicer material possessions. While I slept they used their insidious mental abilities to force me to go to college and obtain a B.S. in computer science. Just so I could make more money to buy them nicer things!!! Anyway, I now have a house, a nice new car and a motorcycle which I must use as often as possible to save money on gas so I can have more money to spend on the cats. The cats have WAY too many toys and enjoy luxurious meals while I am forced to eat Mac and cheese 3 times a day, day in and day out. My only source of amusement is playing solitaire with a 10 year old deck of cards which the cats purchased for me at a garage sale used. I saw your web site and the cats mentally projected to me that I can't have an origami boulder because they want some new toys. I don't understand why they want new toys as they NEVER play with store bought toys. All they will play with is used Kleenex and old pop bottle tops. I'm so confused!!! I want an origami boulder!!!! AAAAHHHH!!!
Thanks for email.
Artist think cats really want you buy artwork because cat often like to ruin origami boulder by batting with claws.
Maybe cat playing with origami boulder become new art form like Koko gorilla paintings. Probably performance art you call Death To Origami.
Then you start famous exhibition like Why Cats Paint http://freddie-street.com/guide/wcpaint.shtml .
Good thing artist explain to you what cats really want.
Cat Filter From: whitney at cs.unc.edu (Mark Whitney) Newsgroups: comp.robotics.misc Subject: Re: image recognition project Date: 2 Apr 1997 13:09:49 -0500 Organization: The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill In article <334224C4.3A97@onlinemagic.com>, Nick Charnley <nickc at onlinemagic.com> wrote: >Could anyone tell me how I might go about trying to realise this. >Bearing in mind that I have no experience inthis area atall. > >I would like to detect a moving object using a video camera and have >that trigger an event. > >The details: >Object = a grey cat >My computer = IBM PC (running Win 95) >Video camera = Sony camcorder >External event = to open a cat-flap (a door to let the cat in and out >of the house > >The program would have to distinguish between two other cats; >One being orange and the other white. The event would only be triggered >by the grey cat which is why I thought colour recognition might work. >Perhaps this could also be coupled with sound recognition (cats meeiow) >to make the process more accurate. > Hi, What an interesting problem--a cat filter! Sometimes the easiest way to detect something is to make IT easier to detect. Does your grey cat have a collar? If so, maybe you could add something to make it distinctive. Perhaps some unique black & white bands. Then a camera with some image processing software might have an easier time picking him out. Or maybe you could eliminate the camera all together. Something that acts like a store security tag might be useful. They're small and passive gadgets (no batteries) that could be attached to Kitty's collar. Then some tag detectors by the cat flap could make it open when he wants to come in or out. But if your cat won't accept a collar, then you'll definitely have a challenge. There are some simple ways to detect color. You can shine different colored lights at the cat (from quite close) and measure the intensity of reflected light for each color. So you'd need to experiment to determine the "spectrum" of various cat colors. Sounds like fun! For example, alternately illuminate the target feline with IR, Red, Blue, Green, and Yellow LEDs (super-bright). Use a detector of some sort (phototransistor or photodiode) and ADC to convert the reflections to digital values. Then pass those 5 values to some type of pattern recognition device. If the Cat has the right combination of color components, open the flap. If not, squirt him! Heh-heh. Meow, Mark Whitney
Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. -- http://www.ar.com.au/~murphy/murphlaw.htm
Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD?
No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian Gulf. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when it doesn't.
Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS?
The general rule is as follows:
IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY,
HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS.
Examine the following chart:
RIGHTS NO RIGHTS ------ --------- cows cockroaches cute bunnies flies dolphins in tuna nets tuna in tuna nets whales sharks red squirrels gray squirrels owls loggers harbor seals barnacles ...
-- quoted from THE PC MANIFESTO V3.0 http://www.repairfaq.org/filipg/OPINIONS/F_Manifest.html /* was http://www.paranoia.com/~filipg/HTML/MINE/F_Manifest.html */ .
From: caliban at gate.net To: spooner-l at netcom.com, sek3 at mediaone.net, christlib at swcp.com, wolfkin at phonetech.com Date: Mon, 28 Dec 1998 00:46:42 -0500 Subject: Christlib: Web Quote: "Politics Explained" at >http://www.sjgames.com/illuminati/politics.html< Sender: owner-christlib at swcp.com Reply-To: <christlib at swcp.com> Politics /I/l/l/u/m/i/n/a/t/e/d/ Explained >http://www.sjgames.com/illuminati/politics.html< FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you. LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. (Original source unknown . . . this version expanded and Illuminated by SJ.) -- John Fast ENTJ/1 (or 6) Finger me for Magic and Geek Codes "Raise consciousness, not taxes."
Date: Wed, 9 Jul 1997 23:20:08 -0700 To: christlib [at] aracnet.com From: cary [at] agora.rdrop.com (David Cary) Subject: Christlib: WORLD IDEOLOGIES AS EXPLAINED BY REFERENCE TO COWS Date: Wed, 9 Jul 1997 20:36:13 -0700 Subject: cows X-Juno-Line-Breaks: 0-107 From: hackermonk [at] juno.com (Patrick I Dyche) > WORLD IDEOLOGIES AS EXPLAINED BY REFERENCE TO COWS > > FEUDALISM > You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. > > PURE SOCIALISM > You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with > everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government > gives you a glass of milk. > > BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM > Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the > chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you > as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need. > > FASCISM > You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, > and sells you the milk. > > PURE COMMUNISM > You share two cows with your neighbours. You and your neighbours bicker about > who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one > works, no one gets any milk, and the cows die of starvation. > > RUSSIAN COMMUNISM > You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all > the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black > market. > > PERESTROIKA > You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the > milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market. > > CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM > You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. > > DICTATORSHIP > You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. > > PURE DEMOCRACY > You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk. > > REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY > You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. > > BUREAUCRACY > You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and > when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, > shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires > you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. > > CAPITALISM > You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows , because > you don't have any cows to put up as collateral. > > PURE ANARCHY > You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours > try to take the cows and kill you. > > ANARCHO-CAPITALISM > You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. > > SURREALISM > You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. > > OLYMPICS-ISM > You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins > and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of > how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) > divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten > every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its > eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a > gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse > Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese > government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the > meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant. > > > > --- end forwarded text > > > The power of being alone with earth and skies > Of going about a task with quietude > Aware at once of earth's surrounding mood > And of an insect crawling on a stone. > > -Vita Sackville-West, "The Land" > > > > David Cary "http://www.rdrop.com/~cary/" Future Tech, Unknowns, PCMCIA, digital hologram, <*> O-
http://www.bram.net/humor-archive/1997-Oct/msg00020.html (mirror) has more definitions:
Jokes about economists and economics http://netec.mcc.ac.uk/JokEc.html mentions some of these same cows...
Ann Landers, http://www.creators.com/lifestyle/landers/lan.asp 1999 Sep 4 printed this (anonymous ?) essay:
Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food being opened half a block away but don't hear you when you're in the same room. They can look dumb and lovable at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They leave their toys everywhere. Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
Creative Quotations from . . . Ann Landers (1918-____) born on Jul 4 http://www.bemorecreative.com/one/702.htm | http://www.ruel.net/mhome/annlanders.html
http://www.vsta.com/~zmoores/unlost-1.htm strange stories about cows, cats, etc.
Animals and computers http://www.herdthinners.com/ the comic strip "Kevin and Kell" [periodical]
animal humor http://big-gyant-head.com/ka/
animal humor http://www.ecl.udel.edu/~eckman/mail/animals.html includes "what not to name your dog" "chicken physics"
<-----> Submitted by M. Rosenblum, <rosenbl at pica.army.mil> <-----> Submitted by R. Schaeffer, <rschae1963 at aol.com> <-----> Subject: Very funny! A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
16. Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the coded message that Garfield sends out every day.
While the self-love and arrogance of man will persist in denying the reflective power to beasts, because the granting it seems to derogate from his own vaunted supremacy, he yet perpetually finds himself involved in the paradox of decrying instinct as an inferior faculty, while he is forced to admit its infinite superiority, in a thousand cases, over the very reason which he claims exclusively as his own. Instinct, so far from being an inferior reason, is perhaps the most exacted intellect of all. It will appear to the true philosopher as the divine mind itself acting immediately upon its creatures.
Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.
For similar humor, see The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
12. Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets, and nine suicide bombs.
The rule for today. Touch my tail, I shred your hand. New rule tomorrow. Grace personified I leap into the window I meant to do that. Terrible battle I fought for hours. Come and see! What's a term paper?
I am your best friend, Now, always, and especially When you are eating.
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And he'll rewire the house while he's at it.
POODLE: I'll blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry."
MASTIFF: "Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark."
What are your favorite animals?
- Dogs, Dolphins, Monkeys, Apes...anything smart and interesting...
- Birds...or Bats....they can fly, man. You can't beat that.
- I love all animals.
- Horses...no...cows...deer...or bears?
- Snakes...panthers...wolves...anything mysterious and potentially dangerous.
- Cats, or swans. Anything beautiful and graceful.
The panda chomped on the sandwich and gulped down the beer. He then deftly pulled out his six-shooter, aimed at a whiskey bottle behind the counter, and pulled the trigger. The bottle exploded into glass pieces and shattered onto the floor. The bartender was dumfounded as he watched the bear return his gun to its holster and walk out the front door.
"Hey, what's going on here," he shouted as he ran after the bear. The panda stopped and said "What did you want?"
"Well, I sure didn't expect you to shoot up the bar. Besides, you still owe me for lunch."
"I'm a PANDA. Look it up!" replied the bear as he went on his way.
The bartender was too upset and nervous to rile such an unpredictable sort, so he picked up his dictionary from the shelf and found the entry for "panda."
As he muttered to himself, he realized that there was nothing he could do about it. There, in black and white, written with the authority of no less than Noah Webster himself, was
PAN-DA: A large, bear-like member of the raccoon family, native to the mountains of China and Tibet, with distinctive white and black markings. Eats shoots and leaves.
It takes the familiar Christmas carols and gives them new lyrics as told from a cats point of view.
What "happiness" means for cat-lovershttp://flippyscatpage.com/
When ferrets watch the mind-bending movie The Matrix, ... Ferret brain activity increased just 20 percent when looking at Keanu Reeves compared to looking at darkness, the study found.http://www.livescience.com/animalworld/041103_brain_usage.html
first posted: 1996-08-18
first put on David's 'Web site: 1998-02-16
Original Author: Jacque Marshall.
Current maintainer: David Cary.
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